Thought by Thought

It has been quite a while since the last post! Since I last posted, I completed my most successful semester in school ever, got married to my dear wife, and moved to our new apartment. Somehow that doesn't sound like much now, but it sure has kept me occupied!

I don't have pictures yet, but we have some great ones from the wedding and our honeymoon. The Caribbean is beautiful--the water in some places is so clear and blue. Just wonderful! This summer will be challenging still, as I start a full load of courses this next week--13 credits worth. What was I thinking??

I'll put up some pictures later--this seems as good a place as any to do so.

2 Cor. 12:7-9: And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

As I watched a short clip from a recording of the McLaughlin group, I was bombarded by the virulent hatred of a man who professed to know much about the Mormon Faith. He uttered his words with such vile, spite, and passion. He had no end of cruel words to describe Joseph Smith. I was shocked at how insistent he was with his views. I really can’t describe how mean this man was. How sad that he was so full of hatred—it must be destroying him on the inside. Of course, I can't say it hasn't happened before; I recall other cruel crowds mocking a man who deigned claim to be the son of God, whose leaders arrested him for no just reason. Many prophets who dared claim revelation from this same man (both before and after his life) suffered a similar fate as he would and did.

The attacks of the man caused me to ponder anew where my faith rests. I sometimes strip things down in my mind and ask myself what the core of my faith is. The answer always comes out about the same: I feel that the heart of man is noble, and capable of so much good. My heart tells me that truly, love is a powerful force. Perhaps the most powerful. I feel in my heart that a Father in Heaven, God of all, is the source of all this love and nobility (or in other terms, truth and light). I trust these feelings because they inspire me to love and strive for all that is good and positive. I then come to Jesus Christ, and again my heart tells me that he is the Exemplar of this love and nobility, this truth and light. I believe him to be the Son of God, and holy, holy, holy is his name.

From there, I then wonder about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, of which I am a member. I am bombarded by such varying claims about how this church “really” is. All I can draw upon is what I know: that this church teaches me that those who serve in it are not perfect, but that Christ who leads it is; that this church teaches me how I might follow a gospel of becoming, a gospel that speaks of the nobility of us all, of the true nature of our spirits, a gospel that encourages love of all. Within my heart I know that the church is good, insofar as Christ who leads it is good.

And usually, if my heart is truly open, I get to the point where I feel to speak as Mormon—“…for thus it whispereth me, according to the workings of the Spirit of the Lord which is in me…”—and I feel at peace within. No, more than that, I feel love and hope. If can say such a thing, I feel light! It whispereth me that God is over all, that love is the noblest of forces, and that faith will see me through. Since all things have a consequence associated with them, as the spirit whispers to me I am happy to say that the doctrines of the priesthood distil upon my soul, drop by drop, as the dews from heaven. They will have to distil upon me for an incredibly long time, for I have much to learn yet.

As one comes to expect, the temple is a source of truth and light....here Eve and I are at the Sacramento Temple a few days after Christmas. Congratulations to Ryan and Tamie on getting married! It was colder than it looked outside, you can be sure.

It was also a time for us to enjoy more time with Grandpa. He was able to have a dance with two of his daughters at the reception later that evening. Though his memory is slipping, he was able to remember Adam and Eve--he practically demanded that he get a picture with Adam and Eve at the temple (sorry, Ryan and Tamie, we know it was your day) so we gladly obliged....and what did Grandpa do but smooch Eve on the cheek!




I don't know if Dad's knee was bothering him that night or not, but he still took the opportunity to dance with Mom during the reception. It was a great sight to see! Eve was really getting into the dancing that evening, too--an older couple came up to us as we were dancing to a faster paced song and I could tell the woman was doing her best to imitate how Eve was dancing. She was very impressed with Eve, and even came up to tell her so near the end of the evening! I just had to tell everyone that I was with Eve, and I was cool.

It was a good evening and the whole Christmas break turned out to be thoroughly relaxing--Eve was great to be with me the whole time, across 2500 miles and countless hours in the car. I was grateful for it and for her!

Are there any among us who, from time to time, don't need that sweet reassurance that God is mindful of us, that He cares, and that He is ready, willing, and able to succor us in our moments of need? Are there any among us who, deep down, don't need that warm feeling of love and peace in our hearts that can only come from a loving Heavenly Father? I imagine that we all do--some part of all of us has that need, that craving, to be filled with love and assurance. It grants us drive in moments of doubt; it grants us the ability to love and be loved in times of despair; it grants us the brightness of hope to press forward in faith to the end; it grants us the ability to soften our hearts even more to His promptings and tender mercies; it grants us the power and means to become ever more like Him.

I have felt these feelings before. I feel them now. And I have hope and faith that I will feel them yet again when I most need them, and what joy it brings my heart! As we continue to give our hearts over to these feelings of love and peace, we will find that our own story continues in this mortal saga that is, in reality, a temporary proving ground for great things to come.

In the brief record we are given of the Jaredite people, we read of many kings—some good, and some bad. There is something interesting mentioned of one king in particular. His name was Morianton. As a descendant of a wicked king who had been overthrown by the people, he gathered an army of outcasts and fought the people until he had regained dominion over all the land. We read:

And after that he had established himself king he did ease the burden of the people, by which he did gain favor in the eyes of the people, and they did anoint him to be their king.

And he did do justice unto the people, but not unto himself for his many whoredoms; wherefore he was cut off from the presence of the Lord. (Ether 10:10-11)

His story ends soon after. How interesting it is to read that he did justice unto his people, but not himself. Do we know any such people? There are many people who are good, who are kind and generous to others, who are great fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, friends, and strangers. Yet they choose a way that deviates from God’s way, a way that cuts them off from feeling the Spirit, which is to say, being cut off from the presence of the Lord.

When we are verbally or otherwise abusive to ourselves for real or perceived shortcomings, we are doing ourselves no justice, though we may be most kind and generous to others. The Lord sorrows at these times of shortsightedness as we cut ourselves off from the presence of the Lord. The Spirit will not long dwell in a tabernacle where such disparaging attitudes about oneself are present. It is totally contrary to the nature of God, the Father of us all.

“The spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:…”

There is no room to cut down or demean a child of God. If we wouldn’t dream of doing it to another, why would we do so to ourselves?

“And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him , that we may be also glorified together.” (Romans 8:16-17)

When we demean ourselves, we also deny the hope and mercy offered through our Savior. He suffered all so that we need not! What he has esteemed as of great worth we ought not to cast aside in a moment of frustration, disappointment, or anger! The suffering we endure with Christ is not to be self-inflicted out of some twisted form of self-dislike or perfectionism—it is from the wiles of a wicked world where the whisperings of the evil one hold sway.

On the contrary, God tells us of His love and desire for us, as he told to Enoch of old:

Behold these thy brethren; they are the workmanship of mine own hands, and I gave unto them their knowledge, in the day I created them; and in the Garden of Eden, gave I unto man his agency;

And unto thy brethren have I said, and also given commandment, that they should love one another, and that they should choose me, their Father…(Moses 7:32-33)

As God has declared it, we are the workmanship of His hands. He has commanded us to love others and to choose Him. To love others and not ourselves could be akin to trying to serve two masters. It will not work. Either we must love ourselves as we love others (as Christ would), or we must hate and loathe others as we do ourselves. There is no eventual middle ground—we will drift one direction over the steady course of time. It is our choice: really, our choice between happiness and misery during this mortal probation.

To love and esteem ourselves as God does is not impossible. It will be found in our testimony of the Atonement of Christ. It will be found on our knees as we labor in communion with our God. When times of trial come, as they always do, our predisposition to self abuse will be ignored when we choose to remember who we are, what God has done for us, and what He has promised is in store for the faithful and humble. In these moments of weakness, it will be wise to remember that Christ’s grace is sufficient—if we cast ourselves upon Him, then “…when we are weak, then are we strong.”

All things are possible unto God—even the ability to endure and love ourselves.

Life is full of poignant experiences, events that help us decide and define who we are. Though we are sometimes led to believe that these events are BIG things and don’t happen very often, I still believe what I learned from Richard G. Scott: the very fabric of our character is woven from individual strands of countless correct choices. Of course this extends on to our testimony.

Yet there are still very momentous times in our lives, when we make a choice or sequence of choices that have a long-term, if not eternal impact on who we are and what type of person we will become. I feel that I have recently made the first choice, and experienced the first event, in a series of events that will have the inevitable (thank goodness!) result of changing my life forever.

Just a week ago I made official a decision I had made a little over three months ago. Quite a bit of preparation was required to arrive to this event. There were several visits to the store, phone calls, plans made, all in anticipation of this one GREAT DAY that would be the inauguration of many GREAT DAYS to come. As such, I have always been led to believe that such GREAT DAYS and related events would also themselves be great and marvelous.

Shall I preface myself a bit? I will rewind….oh…..back four years. I am sitting in my apartment, hearing cars drive by on the cobblestone street and the occasion rushing sound of a strassenbahn. The windows are open, because summers in Heidelberg are quite warm and we sought all the relief we could get. The end of my mission was fast drawing near, and soon a period in my life that meant so much to me would be coming to a close. I felt I had to do something, feel something, to appreciate these GREAT DAYS I was having in Germany as I did something that was so hard and yet which I loved so much. Yet, the right thing to do was to keep working as hard as I could, as smartly as I could, to endure to the end in the work to which I had been called.

And so I continued working. Whether this was the right choice or not, soon I found myself sitting in a hotel room all by myself, writing in my journal. Words could not express, and still don’t, how I felt—confused, excited, nostalgic, sad after saying goodbye to so many loved ones, and wondering how I could better appreciate this GREAT DAY that was so much a transitional one for me. I would be boarding a plane the next day to return to America, and to an uncertain (yet hopeful and bright) future. What did I do to appreciate such a time? I finished writing in my journal, probably said a longer-than-usual prayer, and went to bed. No frantic rushing about, no extra pictures, just rest.

So ended an incredibly pivotal time in my life. I still don’t know how I could have better appreciated all those GREAT DAYS that were so important to me. Which brings me to the most recent GREAT DAY of mine—October 7, 2007. After taking care of the regular morning routine, Eve and I were on our way to the Sunday morning session of General Conference in the conference center. After a very uplifting conference, we began our walk back to the car. Desiring to take a pit stop in a park nearby, I steered Eve that direction and she obligingly came. I sought a somewhat secretive spot, but found none. There was a bridge in the park that went over a little brook which looked nice enough, and appeared to suit my needs. Still not knowing how to create a more romantic atmosphere (a remnant habit of “creating the atmosphere” from my time in Germany?), I went ahead anyway. Turning to my left, looking into Eve’s beautiful eyes, I proceeded to kneel and asked her that GREAT question, which was to make this such a GREAT DAY for us. “Eve, will you marry me?” (that is not the exact wording, but it suits because I want to keep what I said special between us) By jove, she said yes! There did seem to be a bubble about us briefly, that kept the noise of the world out, but soon we could hear people clapping and cheering for us….people were passing by and noticed what was going on.

The entire experience didn’t take very long at all. I have some lurking feeling that I was supposed to make it more grandiose, but how it happened is how it will always be remembered. Not all GREAT DAYS and great things need to last very long, it seems. The greatness of an event does not appear to need any sort of linear correlation to how long it is to define how great an impact it will have on our lives. I know this is true for me, and will continue to hold true with the many great things that will happen in my life. Recall that the great things that happen to me are considered so because of the value I place on them.

What happened on October 7, 2007, is to me a GREAT DAY and a great thing to me indeed. I look forward to an even greater day on May 3, 2008….which will be a formality to seal between us the decision we have already made in our hearts, and to do so lawfully and before our Maker.

How grateful I am that we are given the opportunity to experience such times.